wtfaqs

Don’t make empty gestures out of awkwardness or pure panic. They’ll only disappoint.

The most important thing you can do is LISTEN.

They might need to vent, cry, get hammered or just do nothing at all. Don’t try to fix the problem (you can’t), but making yourself available to be there for them speaks volumes. 

SAY:

• I’m here for you mate. When can I pop over? Drop you a food shop? Come to chemo with you? I’m at your disposal.
• What can I do for you right now? Shall we jump on a call?
• Don’t worry about [x], I’ll cancel. I’ll be right there.
• As your partner, friend, family member etc. I know you don’t feel like it but you are handling this so well and really inspire me. I’m really proud of you.
• It sounds like it has been really rough and tough recently. I see you and I care about you so much my sweet.
• That sounds so hard, I’m really sorry.
• I love you buddy.
• I may not fully understand how this feels, but I’m here to listen and to try. You’re not alone.

Unless you hear otherwise, checking in on your pal with some standard small talk will be appreciated. It doesn’t need to be everyday cancer chat. Instead chew the fat. Have they seen the latest TV show everyone’s talking about? What do they reckon about a news story or bit of celeb goss? Tried any new recipes lately? How’s their Hinge game going?

Even if they don’t reply, or engage less often, please don’t take this personally. They’ve likely shut down or don’t have the capacity right now. Instead reaching out with a quick ‘Thinking about you’ text is much better than asking a question that needs to be answered and can go a long way towards helping them feel less alone.

Big brownie points for those who go off and get educated on their loved ones’ cancer. Knowing ahead of time what the treatment plan might be, possible side effects and valuable resources that might be useful is a radical act of love in our book. Cancer is overwhelming and having to regurgitate your medical updates is nothing but draining. Getting clued up alleviates stresses on their energy levels and they’ll thank you for it.

DO NOT SAY:

• But you don’t look ill.
• You’re too young to get cancer.
• Have they said how long you’ve got?
• Will you lose your hair?
• If you can get it, anyone can.
• Have you tried the celery juice diet?
• Oh I know someone who had that… and died.
• At least you don’t have…
• At least you got the good cancer.
• Well, I mean, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Don’t ask if someone’s ok if you’re not prepared to hear ‘no’. Seriously.

Get comfortable with hearing a negative answer and know how to respond to it with compassion.

Don’t diminish or dismiss people’s struggles and emotions just because you feel uncomfortable.

If someone tells you about a procedure they’ve just had or a new side effect, don’t suggest they ‘look on the bright side’ or ‘count their blessings’. You can say it’s shit. Because it is.

And definitely don’t say, ‘Be grateful you’re still alive!’. Ever.

• OMG, you’re such a warrior!
• Battle it, beat it.
• I hope you get better.
• You won your fight with cancer.
• They lost their battle with cancer.

Be wary of using ‘warrior’ language. Telling people they need to fight hard makes it seem like they have an effect over the outcome and if they ‘fail’ it’s their fault.

Let’s get this straight. No amount of PMA is going to cure cancer. If it did we’d all be laughing. Cancer’s gonna do what cancer’s gonna do. That fight ain’t a fair one. Nobody who dies from the disease has lost. Far from it.

• It’s gone now, you’re cured!
• But you’re cancer-free so you’re okay now right?
• So when will you finish treatment?
• What you mean it will NEVER go away?
• Oh my god, it’s back!

A cancer diagnosis doesn’t end when the cancer exits the building. Cancer is an experience that causes trauma to the core and if you’re fortunate enough to live beyond the disease the long term implications to their physical and mental health will be abundant. It takes a long time to process and adapt so please don’t assume because someone is cancer-free that they are in any way ‘over it’.

Similarly those who live with cancer long-term and will never be off treatment will not appreciate being written off or asked insensitive questions. Living well with cancer is a reality for many and has its own unique challenges. Assumptions make a fool out of you and can cause distress, upset and anger. When in doubt. Just bloody ask!

Check out more tips in our What Not To Say To Someone With Cancer vid with Stylist Mag.